Dear Diary

When I was 12 my parents got a divorce and my friend gave me my first diary. 

It was all pretty horrible and I struggled to find my own voice and navigate through it all. My Mom fell apart and my siblings relied on me to help them through the days. I sort of became little Jane Mom to everyone around me including my Mom. I would be the negotiator on phone calls between my parents who were not able to be civil to each other. 

Why am I sharing this today? 

Because I know that many of you can resonate with this story in some way or in some part of your life where your own personal story got a bit highjacked by caring for others. 

In my case what happened to my life between the ages of 12-17 is what led me into the world of healing at the tender age of 17. 

One way that I coped was to sit down every night and write in my diary. 

I would start every entry with: Dear Diary. Very 1970. 

In that diary I would pour out all of my feelings, needs, pain, desires and confusion. There weren’t really any adults able to be present for me so I learned how to be present within myself. 

I know that many people have similar ways that they didn’t feel safe or seen as a child. My story may even be rather light compared to other ways people didn’t feel safe, seen or protected. 

I’d like to share a dear diary entry with you today. 
It’s really just a way for me to share what’s going on in my heart and to encourage you to pour out onto paper your own dear diary entry. 

Here goes.

Dear Diary:

It’s May 27 and pouring down rain. I didn’t sleep that well last night. For some reason I kept waking up. It’s green and lush outside and the hummingbirds are buzzing around the feeder even in the rain which seems whimsical and hopeful. 

I’ve just returned from a trip to Seattle to see my grandkids for the first time in 20 months. Yes, 20 months. My granddaughter is now tall and came skipping up to greet me and I fought back the tears. I didn’t want to scare her. But honestly it was one of the top beautiful moments of my life. It felt like we picked up where we left off except she is more engaged and curious than ever. She is now 9. 

For the past few months I’ve been super focused on my health. After two years of healing from a leg break and two surgeries my body started speaking to me about other areas of need. I made some diet and movement changes and feel much better. I’m noticing that I don’t want to hustle or push or strive. Things I do now feel intentional and focused. I’m listening to myself not culture. 

In my field of work there are zillions of illusions and images. How to do it the right way, how to make more money, be more visible, stand out, be impactful and ALL the things. 

For me, I want to just go inward and hear what I think and believe and know. 

I’ve been teaching wellbeing and self-love and compassion for so long now that maybe the way I approach it is changing, shifting or emerging anew. 

I need time and space to feel change. 

The pandemic has caused me to be my own teacher. I’ve taken many courses over the past year, and they’re all really quite good but I’m learning over and over again that I’m my own best teacher. 

I’m learning that when I sit down and focus and get intentional about who I am, what makes me tick and how I want to feel I can move mountains. 

And when I don’t take the time to slow down and know myself I’m ungrounded, uncentered and I question too much. 

My health suffers too. I think there are a lot of humans pushing really hard all the time and not slowing down to care for their bodies, minds and spirits. The intellectual pursuits are compelling but to what end? 

In our race to change the world and make real and needed evolution happen how can we stay healthy? 

Health is a big deal. We can only avoid our body for so long. Without good health we’re in a tough spot. 

What I loved most when I was teaching hours and hours of yoga every week was seeing the immediate response to how the goodness of yoga worked through peoples bodies, minds and spirits. It was visible and on the spot. Everyone was growing their health.  

I look forward to getting back to being in real time with people on retreats where I can see their change up close. I’ll be writing more about that soon. 

For now I’m still leaning in to intentional re-programming. 

In 2019 I had the busiest most successful year of my business. When the pandemic hit my body said OK you can rest now. 

I’m still resting. Alongside some creative pursuits which I’ll get to soon, I’m still in rest mode. Taking care of my body, rest and pace. I know how fortunate I am to be able to do that. It is not something I take for granted. 

Today I have a couple of coaching clients and will work on some writing and dreaming. If it stops raining I’ll go our for a walk. Otherwise I’ll just do some gentle yoga and be good with that. Maybe a pot of soup. 

I kind of feel like the caterpillar right now who has shifted into the silky cocoon. 
The butterfly will happen, but not quite yet. I think that’s ok don’t you? Take care.  Be extra good to yourself.